A Heated Discussion

Hi folks! Today, I'd like to talk to you about something that I think is a very important matter: the annual seal hunt conducted in Canada. Each year, over 300,000 baby harp seals are killed for their fur. This is unacceptable. After careful consideration, I believe I have stumbled upon a solution to this wasteful practice. As you may know, the harp seal (Pagophilus groenlandicus) has a very high lipid content, and has been used in the past for lamp oil. I propose that this be repurposed into a heating oil of some sort.
Many homes already burn fossil fuel oil as a means of heat. Seal blubber could be employed in a similar manner. This method, Combustion of Liquefied Unwanted Blubber (hereafter referred to as CLUB) could be implemented with a simple retrofit. Not only would CLUB use a waste material, but it could also reduce our dependence on fossil fuels! Seals are a sustainable resource, replenishing their numbers quickly and reliably. Harvesting can be done in an environmentally friendly fashion, on foot using only hand tools. Those little fellas need not have died in vain, for they can keep us all warm during the winter. We can make a better, greener world - one CLUB at a time.

Now please put away your shotgun, stop writing that letter to CNN, and don't bother warming up your armored tugboat. Check your calendar and have a chuckle. It's okay. Seriously. Happy April fools.